Embracing emotion in a time of crisis

Illustration by Vara Tirupati

I’ve always hated the word emotional.  “You’re so emotional. Calm down,” is a phrase I’ve heard many times. Emotional, what’s wrong with being alive?  What’s wrong with feeling something so strongly, you want to act on it?  So strongly, it’s like going to consume you unless you act on it? 

“Emotional, what’s wrong with being alive?”

As I’ve moved through life, I’ve learned the hard way to sit with my emotions. It's like a paused movie still on a VHS tape, bootlegged movie.  Don’t act; yet.  Wait.  Sleep on it.  I let the seconds, minutes, hours pass. Then see if I still feel that way.  I know now: the things I say or do, cannot be undone. 

There’s nothing wrong with showing emotions, per se.  It’s merely when I do something that hurts someone else, and it can be irreparable.  Some things are broken, cannot be unbroken. There is no rewind button! No CTRL+Z! Nada!  

Have you ever had a friendship, or a deep relationship, which took years to build, wiped out in the span of three minutes?  Record-breaking time!  “Too little too late” (I sure get that phrase now).  Definitely had to lose a few friendships because my desire to express myself outweighed the pain caused in my wake. Sadly, we don’t talk anymore (Charlie Puth chorusing in my ears just now). 

Nowadays, I try to withhold from my knee jerk reaction of pulling the trigger.  For example, sitting in a work meeting.  Someone presents something so unexpected; and everyone in the room is completely dumbfounded and silent.  How do I respond? I try to mimic everyone else’s reaction. If everyone is blank-faced and silent; I try to mirror that: blank and silent (like a canvas).  Yeah it’s awkward, but better to be awkward than be out of sync and out of touch with the mood in the room. My go-to strategy for breaking awkward silence: I state the obvious, like, “Well, that’s certainly a new direction!”  And wait. Silence is golden.  

“Nowadays, I try to withhold from my knee jerk reaction of pulling the trigger.”

Younger me thought I had to fill the silence by talking.  Nope. Better to state something neutral and see how they respond.  You’ll learn that way (if you’re interested in this strategy, read The Code of Trust).  Usually, they’ll chime in and explain.  Or they’ll ask a question -- which helps me understand what they were going for.  And if I don’t know what’s going on, I ask a question. Like, “Why did you decide to do X, instead of Y?  Wouldn’t Y be the easiest solution?” And listen to what they say.    

What’s the point of holding back?  It’s to understand where they’re coming from.  Act like a detective. Assess the situation under a microscope.  What would Sherlock Holmes do? No judgements. Follow the clues. Understand: What’s their perspective?  How do they want you to react? What’s their end goal?  

Trust me, this method of waiting -- then seeking to understand -- will save you a lot of tears on both sides!  It buys you time, so your emotions can temper, recover and your more rational brain can assist. 

I love my emotions.  My emotions are my heart, my instincts.  I listen to them when I feel things are going wrong.  When things are going downhill, I stop and ask myself, “Why do I feel this way?” “What am I scared of?”  Then I use this fear to course correct -- and steer my life to my desired outcome.  

Oftentimes, I’ve observed many people are the inverted of me: People don’t trust their emotions enough.  They feel that they’re going under, they keep with flow; the casualties keep mounting-- but they don’t raise their hand.  They don’t speak up. The impending doom, (which was totally avoidable) escalates into a huge train crash, right before their eyes!  And later, they walk away shocked, “How could this happen?” “I never thought it would go this way!” “I just thought…”  

“Oftentimes, I’ve observed many people are the inverted of me: People don’t trust their emotions enough.”

That’s right.  Good ol’ American optimism!  Led you down a path that was not what you expected!  I’m definitely a pessimist! It’s served me well in life and I do not regret it.  

For example, when I see a tape playing -- I play that story out in my head.  And I ask myself, “What don’t I want to happen?”  “What’s the worst-case scenario?”  Then, that nightmare scenario -- I take the opposite-- and that’s how I get my desired outcome.  That helps me paint a very clear picture of what I want. Then, I can walk towards the light. I start steering the situation.  I act in a way that has purpose. I speak up; motivated by the fear of that imagined disaster, and many times, we can avert those disasters, together!  More than avert, we achieve those happy rainbow and butterfly endings (that my childhood self only dreamed about)!  

“‘What’s the worst-case scenario?’  Then, that nightmare scenario — I take the opposite— and that’s how I get my desired outcome.”

It helps me feel like I have influence over my life.  And all because I spend half the time thinking of what I don’t want!  It sounds really backwards but this logic has really worked for me!  I truly encourage you to try it and tell me what you find. 

My theory on why it works:  it’s because we’re using our emotions to channel and understand our fears. And when we can confront why we’re so uncomfortable, why are we sensing dread, the more we can listen to that instinct (which is oftentimes right).  

“The key to channeling our emotions into positive is to understand them.”

The key to channeling our emotions into positive is to understand them.  I want to be in charge of my emotions. I don’t want them to control me (especially not to the point where I regret my actions)!  I never, ever try to snuff out my emotions. I love my emotions. My emotions are like a small, delicate spark; I feed it bits of newspaper and dried wood-- hoping it’ll grow into a warm, comforting campfire flame.  It’s the one where it’s cozy to sit next too, you want to stray to far otherwise you lose it’s warmth and light. But I don’t want it to become an uncontrollable wildfire that destroys everything in its path! I do want to cultivate a fire that burns so bright, is so attractive, unique, and one-of-a-kind; I know I’d never want it to burn out. It’s a part of me, and I love it. 

“I can’t wait for the day when we normalize our emotions. ”

I can’t wait for the day when we normalize our emotions.  When we can teach both boys and girls (and everyone in between) that it’s okay to have emotions.  It’s okay to cry, and scream, and feel pain. It’s okay to feel joy and happiness. The negative emotions make the positive emotions shine so bright.  There is no joy without sadness. There is no happiness without the depths of sadness (depression!). When we stop turning a blind eye to all the negative feelings, is when we can truly embrace ourselves for the full range of the human experience.